This is one bit of advice I am very clear on. Don’t put off doing things with your kids. Being a Weekend Dad is no excuse what-so-ever. If you have an inclination, idea, or plan for doing something cool… DO IT! Don’t wait. Something will come up and then an activity doesn’t happen and then later when the kids are grown up, you’ll regret not being more determined. You snooze with your kids, you will loose with your kids.

The deal with kids is that they do grow up fast and what they, or you want to do with each other, can dissipate very quickly, sometimes from one season to the next. And just like time, you can’t ever go back and reset that clock. Think of kid opportunities as limited time offers that expire if you don’t jump on them. You will never regret committing yourself to an activity or trip or adventure with your kids. Ever! But you will regret what you didn’t do that you could have. Its not about what your do or didn’t do, down the road, it’ll be that you didn’t do enough with them.

There will always be something that can hold you back and its all too easy to say to yourself, “Ah, well. There’s always next year.” Don’t be saying that because more often than not, next year doesn’t happen, and then it never happens! And you don’t want to be hearing that haunting echo inside your head because that could well be your fate if you’re not proactive.

I have several things that didn’t happen, that I could have been more determined to do, but there’s not a lot. I do know, however, a lot of Dad and Moms, who truly regret not taking the time to simply do cool things with their kids. I understand, many parents are tired by the time the weekend rolls around and that they’re simply not motivated to get out with their kids. The all-to-easy cop out is to sit the kids down in front of a TV show or movie and veg out. And letting them play with their smart phones is interactive avoidance too. Avoid this more than you embrace it. Make it a habit to do at least two trips a summer with your kids and at least one trip per winter, even if it’s only a weekend getaway. And have at least one outing planned every weekend. If you don’t plan it, it will never happen!

And here’s the wet towel reality…. Kids are, in my humble opinion, most fun between the ages of 5 and 15. Why? Because at five, their minds are incredibly inquisitive and there’s less time ‘tending’ to them. They appear to be more three dimensional with respect to play and interaction. Every year as they grow older, so does their curiosity and inquisitiveness. This is when they want to hang out with you and learn stuff, experience stuff and explore. Don’t miss out on this. Every year, their interests can suddenly change, so you miss one year, you miss it all. There is no next year. You have to be like them. One of the greatest lessons children can give us is to “Live in the moment.” So simply be there now, with them!

Now here’s the time rub about this 5 to 15 window era of opportunity… it’s only a decade! If that ten years is the best window of opportunity for enjoyment with your kids, and perhaps the greatest time of influence, skipping even one year of a travel opportunity is a 10% loss. And do it twice or three times and that could mean a 25%, plus or minus, lost opportunity. Let’s be clear. Kids are not like movies. If you miss catching one, don’t believe for a minute that you can always catch it later. Sorry! Life ain’t like Netflix. Wrong belief system. You miss out with kids, sorry, but you missed out! Period! There are no retakes or second chances.

I have written a very succinct story on this topic. It will appear in “Confessions of a Weekend Dad – Book 2”. It’s called “Cat’s in the Cradle” and the best thing I can do to get you to be crystal clear on all this is to Google the song Harry Chapin wrote of the same name and listen to it a few times. That in of itself, is one of the greatest song gifts to any parent. Do not become that parent that later on in life pines for time with your kids, just like they pine for time with you. Learn this now or regret it later!

As for all the Weekend Dads out there, which is most Dads – because that’s the most common quality timeframe they have to spend with their kids… embrace and cherish this time the most. It’s your window to get to know, influence, teach, learn life lessons, gain insights, bond, explore, and most of all – love unconditionally, the greatest gift you gave yourself – your children.

There will always be time to make more money, go for a beer with a buddy or another opportunity to start a business or chase an errant dream but once the children grow up, it’s all but over for time with them. Don’t be hearing those haunting song lyrics… “Not today, I got lots to do.” which then defaults to “We’ll get together then. You know we’ll have a good time then.” And sadly, too many times – ‘then’, is far too late!

When do most working Dads have time with their children? Answer: Weekends!

That’s right. For married couples with children, if they’re not both working full time, it’s usually the Dad that’s missing. This can mean leaving for work early (depending on excessive commutes), and not returning until supper or past supper. And sometimes, not returning home until after the children’s bedtime.

Quite often, weekends are when Dads can spend quality time with their kids – married, divorced, separated or too busy a work schedule… they are all Weekend Dads. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Its part of the new parenthood reality.

In ‘Confessions of a Weekend Dad – Book 1’, there’s a line I quote from an old girlfriend… “It’s not how much time you get with your kids; it’s about what you do with your kids in the time that you get!” This is sage advice coming from a single mother and embraced by me – the Weekend Dad author.

So with fathers having to squeeze the most out of their weekend time with their kids, what do they do? And what do the kids prefer most?

As a non-custodial father, I made efforts to get the kids on Friday nights. Unfortunately, that was the exception, not the rule. I just trained myself to be grateful for picking them up on Saturdays. It was a great way to start the weekend. And the kids were almost always by the window waiting for me to pull up. And when I did. They were jumping for joy – literally! It was so exciting for me too. How can a child’s joy not rub off on a depressed, weary or exhausted Dad?

The downside for being a Weekend Dad can also be an upside! Because I couldn’t spend time with them during the week, they just couldn’t wait to be with me on the weekends. And weekends were filled with things to do that I had all week to plan. The downside for the custodial parent is that they do all the work during the week with the kids, like cooking meals, bathing and laundry, homework, school drop-offs and pick-ups, while it was their Dad who they couldn’t wait to be with. This caused some jealousy and ill-placed resentment on behalf of my ex.

Its important not to go there with your kids. Whatever the mother may say to the kids in the way of resentment, take the high road. It may not pay off in the short term, but it will pay greater gains in the long term. When the kids grow older, they can figure things out for themselves and realize that they were somewhat brainwashed by their mother (or the custodial parent). Kids will later want to make up for believing the nonsense they were fed. Resist, resist, resist. Take the highroad. Always!!

Also, and this is sound advice. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. If you tell the kids you’ll pick them up at 9am on Saturday morning. Be there just before 9am. There’s nothing more deflating and a blow to their self-esteem and confidence than their Dad not showing up or chronically late. Believe me. They are looking so forward to being with Dad on weekends, they’re anxious and ready! Don’t let them down. If your going to be late give them as much warning as possible. Don’t create expectations you can’t live up to.

There are so many things to do with kids on weekends, its crazy. If you’re not up on things there’s always the internet. There’s likely local books on what to do with your kids that you can purchase and they’re well worth the cost. My thing was that the kids loved to go swimming at an indoor waterslide pool. And if your kids don’t know how to swim, sign them up for lessons. It’s a great gift. The gift of swimming lasts a lifetime and it could save their lives, should they accidently fall into the water.

Another great thing is anything to do with nature. Hide the cell phones, yourself included (or shut it off), and take them on a hike or to a lake, shoreline, a park, a walk with your dog, or anything to do with sports or any activity that gets them physically involved. Sitting watching TV or going to a movie should only be a night time option. Interactive participation will bond you so much more with them than passive technology.

There’s a lot of seasonal activity you can have with your kids too! You have to view climate conditions, negative or positive, as opportunities to experience the elements together. If it snows, get out there with a toboggan, or snow disc. Build a snowman or snow fort. If it rains, get gumboots, raincoats, rain hats and umbrellas and go check out the duck pond or walk in the mud in a park. If it’s sunny, get on the sunscreen and hats and enjoy the sun and shade. If it’s springtime, wonder amongst the flowers, shrubs, cherry and apple blossoms, magnolias, and smell the air. Get them to expand and be more aware of ‘all’ their senses. Point out the bugs, amphibians, birds, animals, the trees and the interconnectivity of nature.

Most weekends during the shoulder seasons and the summer, I took my sons with me to our summer retreat which was on an island. We had no power. It was incredible. From morning to bedtime, we were full on inter-active. No electronics. We planned our day outings, went for boat rides, beach combing, hikes to the lake, canoe and row boat excursions, and everything was always a lesson with nature. The boys learned the names of all the insects, bugs, fish, birds, animals, the different trees and outdoors in general. Everyday was a lesson in waiting. And at night, we played cards, checkers, chess, board games, read or just conversed.

There is so much to do and all you need to do is rack your brain, research or just ask fellow parents or even the kids. As the kids got a little older, after going out for most of the day, I may have gotten tickets to a hockey game or we would go see a movie that they were keen on. Sometimes it was a movie of a book they’d read, as in Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. Always discuss these things in advance because when they have something to look forward to, they’re excited before you even arrive!

Don’t miss out on just being with them because by their mid-teens, your marquee value will fade very quickly and their friends – girlfriends or boyfriends, will supplant you and you never want to be looking back with regret, kicking yourself for missing out on lost opportunities.

It’s very important to remember that it matters little who is the custodial parent to the children. It’s who they get to spend ‘quality’ time with. You fathers who are Weekend Dads, you can be the weekend warriors with your kids. Be the hero. Be the most fun parent. Be interactive. Be responsive. Just be there for them and with them, because when you are, they are there for you too!

I’m not a big believer in New Year’s resolutions for many reasons, as it appears to me that most are just declared versions of what one is already wishing for. Wishful thinking doesn’t become that much better by some sudden formal declaration.  Using the new year as an opportunity to accomplish something you haven’t already acted upon, or that’s suddenly going to crystalize into reality, is a set up for failure.

The classical yearly attempts…I’m going to lose weight; I’m going to quit smoking; I’m going to get into a serious relationship; I’m going to spend more time with the kids; doesn’t need a resolution to act upon, therefore an arbitrary deadline to ‘act’ isn’t that well thought out.

Rather than banter on why such resolutions don’t often work I propose a different approach. And no, it’s not too late to adopt a 2017 theme (even if we’re almost into February). There could be many things that you want to achieve that can coalesce around an adopted theme. A theme can’t fail, so it will be still intact and encouraging you along, long after resolutions have fallen by the way side.

I started this habit many years ago when I learned about it from joining a Master Mind group. A high energy woman – Lisa Martin, who was a life coach, and who went on to write a book called Briefcase Moms, made this suggestion to everyone. By creating a theme, it guided us through the year and resolutions that got adopted over time to support the theme, came naturally, not arbitrarily.

It worked very well for all of us. For instance, one year I was really tired of a few things that were reoccurring in my life that were dragging me down. I needed to focus with more effort to reach a conclusion. Some things such as a never ending summer cabin building project; a sibling relationship problem I was avoiding; dumping a nagging client who was a time waster; and several stories I’d started but hadn’t finished. So one of my themes I adopted was “Completion”. With that theme alone, I used it as a guide for many decision making moments throughout the year. I wanted closure on issues, relationships and projects. And anything new that I started, I completed. ‘Completion’, as a theme worked very well.

I usually chose three themes so they could apply to my goals and attitude improvements, but they always applied to all three areas of mind, body, and soul/spirit. That first theme year I had three…gratitude, completion and compassion. I was aware of people around me who were having major life problems, health, finance, or relationship wise. I also became aware that those less fortunate, needed compassion and assistance. They all jelled for me in supportive ways.

All three themes required constant thought while events, people and ideas were attracted to me because I had my theme antenna picking up on everything and anybody who could assist me. I’ve since become aware of the true reason this works. We have Wayne Dwyer to thank, because his book “Power of Intention” is what drives the theme to success.

My consciousness to be more compassionate made me a better person and in many ways assisted me in becoming less judgmental and more compassionate to specific people in need and to groups that were less fortunate. Naturally, the compassion assisted my wanting to be more grateful because of what I had and many others didn’t. There’s always good reasons to be grateful but practicing and expressing it, is what really matters.

As for the completion theme…I got a lot done that year and even though I had the odd set back, my theme never failed because it wasn’t a resolution that was too definitive. It seemed that my theme just kept feeding my determination to tackle issues with no set methods that might not work. The theme was a guide to seek and add to, and build upon. My focused outlook brought out the core values required to sustain the theme.

One woman in our Master Class adopted the theme of ‘fun’. She claimed she was becoming far too serious with her work which spilled over into her personal life and she’d become boring, predictable and too tough on herself. So if someone called her up about a party, she might have had the impulse to say no, but with her new theme of fun, she had permission to go enjoy herself with her friends. She became a happier person; became more attractive because of the more positive and fun attitude; and she gained a new man in her life.

A fairly dry, too serious and lone wolf type business guy in our group chose the themes – Education, Travel, and Mentorship. With those in mind, he signed up for some night courses to pursue some hobbies he’d been putting off. This in turn exposed him to new people in his classes. He made friends and felt a sense of fulfillment. He went on several trips that resulted in more new friendships and his mentorship theme forced him to take some younger people under his wing to share corporate secrets for success. The result was that he became a cool guy that was more outgoing. He was exercising his interpersonal skills, pursing non-business interests, he was associating with youthful minds, that were more open than his which gave him more energy and insights. He languished in the joy of giving to others. He simply became a more engaging, out-going, fun guy without any resolutions.

Quite often we don’t always know how to tackle the things we need to overcome. To say “I’m going to lose weight” is an honorable goal but if it doesn’t happen quickly or the effort is sustained, failure can zap the perseverance needed. But with a theme, there is no failure. We just need to be conscious of what it is and the ideas, people, attitudes, positive energy and habits that will occur, as the year moves forward, that naturally gravitate to fulfill the themed pursuit. The universe conspires to assist us.

Losing weight is more likely an attempt to improve one’s looks and self-esteem, so what if your theme was ‘Self-improvement’ instead? With that theme, it could be ideas to lose weight, dress differently, change hair styles or hair colour, hang with different people, or break old habits. And how does that happen? With simple little everyday things.

One theme I had was simply ‘Health’. I made it a rule that if I had an appointment in an office that was less than five stories high, I would use the stairs. If it was a nice day and I had the time and the distance wasn’t prohibitive, I’d walk instead of driving. I would limit treats at every meal to one in every four meals. I became more conscious of what I was eating. I read the labels on what I bought. And as time went on, I came up with many ideas that would all make a difference, because I had a theme I wanted to maintain and support. A theme can gain momentum too. There is no reason to give up on a theme.

I recommend you think of some things in the past year, or years, that seem to be constantly on your mind. Why is it that you haven’t accomplished what you keep thinking about? Pick a word that would best describe how you want to be, feel or wish to accomplish (but don’t make it too specific) and make all your thoughts work on defining that theme. That’s the ‘Power of Intention’ part of the magic.

It’s the little things that sustain the consciousness of power. And it’s the accumulation of them all, that accomplishes much more! By the time the year is out, you’ll likely be able to list what and how you’ve improved yourself and/or achieved your theme’s intent. Try this approach. Write out your theme. Put it/them in your phone, on a sticky note on the mirror in your bathroom or on the fridge door. Become very conscious of your themes and do what ever you can to make them flourish. Treat them like plants. Feed and water them and they will grow. You can’t fail because everything you do supports the theme.

When it comes to parenting, there is no one parent loved better than another. With all things being equal, that at least should be the case in the eyes of the law. But are they? And is the law practicing what they preach? If we made the equality presumption, the parental landscape would ultimately change – maybe for the better, certainly for fairness. However, the flawed legal system does play favorites and defies its own mantra and false premise of ‘blind’ justice for all.

It appears that the de facto position for custody matters with a majority of judges is that most men are the wallets and woman know how to rear children better. And until judges change their biased mentality, (and those who advise them), women will continue to win child custody cases about 97% of the time. And the reason? Women are the better mothers. So really, it’s not about the better parent, its about who’s the better mother. Sorry Dads but that’s the legal reality.

When I was going through my divorce, my lawyer confessed that woman usually win child custody battles but that extenuating circumstances can change that premise. Frankly, that’s a load of hooey. But to give me an enticing hope to feather her financial bed, she advised me to get an assessment from a child psychologist because a judge won’t argue with the advice of a professional. Well, hiring a psychologist was another lost cause.

After the psychologist did his four hours of interviewing the two boys and two hours with each parent and one with us together, he also did a multiple-choice questionnaire. This magical cookie cutter info gathering would decide the fate and future of two young boys. What a sham! It appears the mother can do no wrong. They say it’s for the benefit of the kids, but really, it’s all about the mother.

Many lawyers encourage women to fight for ‘sole’ custody of the children because the reality is that child support is alimony in disguise and if they didn’t go for it, the lawyer would make far less to argue the case. I’ve also yet to hear of a mother reporting on how her child support actually is spent on them. The new car, dresses, bikini wax, new carpeting, dining out, make-up, and drinking habits is all about the kids, right? Really?!

In the psychologist’s report, even though the children’s toxic environment with their mother and her psycho boyfriend was very questionable, she was deemed to be the better parent. The fact that her boyfriend was riddled with prescription drugs and had a history of violent behavior; was on beta blockers (often used for sex offenders to inhibit their testosterone levels and quell violent or sexual impulses); serotonin reuptake inhibitors (to decrease thoughts of anger and violent imagery); anti-obsessive antidepressants; and temazepam to reduce alchoholic dependency, no one except me seemed concerned about his moody and aggressive behavior with my children. Even with clinical evidence and a history of mental treatments and violent behavior, as well as being enrolled in anger management, the child psychologist recommended that she get full custody of the kids. Well, of course a judge wouldn’t tamper with a professional opinion.

When I questioned the psychologist about his assessment, his simple answer was… “Women practically always win. They are the better mother to the children. But don’t worry about it, by the time the boys turn 12 or so, they will more than likely want to come live with you.” That was his patronizing wave of a magical wand. After getting sucked into paying him and a lawyer to attain fairness, they eventually admitted that the deck is seriously stacked in the woman’s favor. Woman are deemed to be the better mother. How that works when a male gay couple fight over who gets child custody, is about as close to parity as any male may ever get?! Judges be damned. Go figure.

For an intriguing footnote… a year after my divorce, I read a featured article in a national newspaper about who decides on custody battles and it focused on the child psychologists who make the decisions that the judges just rubber stamp. What really upset me was the guy I used, along with two others, were pegged as scammers. The article claimed he was making over $800,000 a year “processing” arbitrary decisions (after only about 6 to 8 hours of assessment and stock reports). Also, that upwards of 95% of his recommendations favored women winning custody of the kids. The kicker… it was my lawyer who recommended him! (It’s things like that that make me wonder if my lawyer was getting referral fees?)

My opinions here are based upon my personal experience as well as from many single fathers I’ve spoken to, cases I’ve read about, and some statistics. I also read about a mother who was a heroine addict trying to stay clean. Trying. So the judge awarded her custody because she was trying to be a better mother. His decision didn’t appear to have anything to do with who was the better parent. How sad for the kids and their father? The good news? These archaic judges are dying off like dinosaurs. The bad news? Psychologists are the real ones deciding the fates and future of kids and their family relationships, with little to no in depth studies or case history. The legal system is encouraging this custody ‘processing’ and it’s an affront to fathers’ rights!

If you care to read a little more about my own personal experience in this lob-sided parents’ rights approach to child custody, I have a section in my book entitled – The Big ‘D’. In that section, I have three key stories on my personal journey of divorce survival, the vagueness of law and those who appear to profit from the system.

J. Alistair Palmer is the author of : Confessions of a Weekend Dad – Audacious Stories of Post-Divorce Parenting.