And now the conclusion today’s parental conundrum. To be or not to be… the grownup?

Once again, you need to read the first two parts to this trilogy breakdown of a great article in MacLean’s Magazine entitled The Collapse of Parenting. Go back and read Blog # 15 and # 16 first.

It appears that in today’s parental model, many parents are trying desperately to be democratic at home. They want in put from their children and want to listen and be the voice of reason but like many new untested ideas, we sometimes go too far with the new idea and the pendulum swings drastically way too far to the other side.

Dr. Sax claims that “Kids are not born knowing right from wrong.” Now that’s not anything earth shattering in terms of reality but its an incredible fact to note. In my Confessions of a Weekend Dad: Book I, I have a section entitled The Loss of Innocence. In one of the three stories, the one entitled Out of the Mouth of Babes, I cite an example that supports this statement. In the story, its not what happens that is the problem, its how I deal with it. So how are parents dealing with it? The right from wrong conundrum, and all that’s attached to it, is the problem.

Dr. Sax identifies longitudinal studies that illustrate examples of children who are left to discover right from wrong on their own, often have serious problems down the road. He explains, “That a child in their late 20s is much more likely to be anxious, depressed, less likely to be gainfully employed, less likely to be healthy, more likely to be addicted to drugs or alcohol. We now know this.” Ouch! Who wants to have those kind of odds for success in life, all for the sake of having poor little Johnnie whine his way into getting what he wants?

Here’s the drum roll… “Parents who are authoritative have better outcomes, and it’s a larger effect than the effect of race, ethnicity, household income or IQ.” What more do you need to hear? Democratic – to a degree. But wimpy non-authoritative, I think not. Wimpy parents… wake up!

Parenting educator Andrea Nair says, “How to respect their child but also be the decider” is the crux of the issue for the conscientious parent. Today’s new parents need to be authoritative but they need to overcome their fears for failing at nurturing and governing in a blended way. So deep down in their fear for their child failing in school, activities and personal development, the potential for over-thinking it all, comes home to roost.

“That’s why parents second-guess the way they speak to their kids, what they feed them, how they discipline them and what activities they permit. This is all the more true for the growing number of parents who delayed having children until they were ‘ready’ with a secure job, a good home and a dependable partner.”

Wow, that sure sounds familiar. That part was my circumstance. But as much as I was conscious of being democratic and sensitive to my children’s wants and needs, I never lost sight of what was best for them and who was best to tell them the way it was going to be. If I had any problem with being authoritative, it was when to let off the gas and make the transition when they were maturing and becoming young adults with their own view of the world. When they were becoming men, I was still treating them like children. They are still my children, but they’re now both men!

And what about all those self-coached parents? You know, the ones who as soon as they conceive “they begin amassing a library of books on how to deal with the fantastic chaos about to enter their lives in the form of a baby; the collection grows with each developmental stage.”

Parents have locked into the mentality of having to ‘get it right’. That leads them to near neurotic behavior, as in… “tracking how quickly their child is growing, how much they are achieving. For every expert a parent consults by phone or in person, they’re also checking in with the virtual wise man, Google. That almost never helps.”

Katie Hurley, a Los Angeles psychotherapist and author of The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World, believes – “We’ve been conditioned to question ourselves – to constantly look for information to make sure we’re doing it right. Because of that, parents are in a state of learned helplessness.”

And now the bingo button…Hurley says for starters “nobody knows what they’re doing when they leave the hospital with an infant. Every parent learns by trial and error.” And that goes on through out that child’s life. It’s as true as it ever was and the sooner parents accept this, the sooner they’ll shed their guilt and anxiety. Nair says parents need to “have a higher tolerance for things not going well.” As in, get over the mistakes. It’s not a frickin’ scorecard or test!

Dr. Sax seems to have devoted his book to parents’ modeling traits that they want to encourage in their children. “Chief among them, he says, should be humility and conscientiousness – which run counter to inflating a child’s self-esteem and sense of entitlement. To that end he encourages parents to fortify their adult relationships so they are not overly concerned with pleasing their kids as a way of satisfying their own need for affection.” Duh! Who’s got the issues here? Those insecure adults who have past issues are going out of their way to please their children to win affection. This is such misguided fear and very sad. Get over it already.

The key to it all is summed up so well by Neufeld – “When parents realize that they are their children’s best bet, it challenges them to their own maturity.” And as the article writer Cathy Gulli surmises brilliantly, “It gives them the confidence that they know what’s good for their kids, and that they should stand up to them – this is, in fact, an act of love required of parents. They become, in effect, the grown ups their children need.” Bingo! Tough love, ya think? Parents out there, get with the program. Don’t worry about the feelings being hurt, concentrate on what’s best for the child! Being the boss, is breaking good!

This is a continuation of a look at the subject matter derived from an article entitled: The Collapse of Parenting, published in MacLean’s Magazine. If you haven’t read Part I of this blog, you really need to do that first. Meanwhile, in their quest to have a democratic household, parents seek permission from their kids, or their opinion. Good in theory but bad for law and order. “Strict obedience used to be praised; now it is seen as outdated and potentially dangerous. Compliance might mean your kid is a pushover, which no parent wants.” I understand that but obedience is for select people, not to just anyone. Parents need to take control and drive the car and quell the back seat drivers.

“In Western society, where equality for everyone has become a cultural objective and constitutional right, children are treated like they are one more minority group to honor and empower.” That to me is the problem. It’s the same as all this politically correct tripe. Yes, I believe in empowerment, but really, it’s not a blank cheque to hand out to immature people. That’s akin to saying all kids have a right to bear hand guns!

Learn and earn, is what I believe. When a child has learned responsibility, then they have earned the right to be responsible. And that’s where the parent role is imperative. Parents need to know when to hand over the reigns of decision-making and responsibility. Empowerment in the wrong hands is dangerous and that’s why “many kids are actually overpowering their parents. That’s the problem, say those working in child development. A functional family unit hinges on the one social construct that contemporary society has been working hard to dismantle: hierarchy.”

“You need a strong alpha presentation to inspire a child to trust you and depend upon you.” Says Neufeld of parents in general. “The parent always has to be honored as the ultimate person. We need to put parents back in the driver’s seat.” Why is that so difficult to understand? Why can’t parents be parents? There’s a reason why it’s a parent /child relationship. Someone has to be the boss.

Sax talks about how parents allow children to decide what they want to eat. Couple that with rewarding good behavior with sugar snacks and other junk food and we’ll have contributed to a potential epidemic weight gain in children and dramatic decline in fitness. It’s at the point that “some hospitals in the U.S. have even opened pediatric preventive cardiology clinics.” How sad. And who’s to blame for this? Bad parenting breaking bad!

Another growing problem in children is that children are far less active than ever, nor do they get enough rest. Sax polled a question to children asking them what was their favorite thing to do when no one is watching? And the overwhelming answer was… “Sleep”. If its not school assignments and extracurricular activities, they’re on their cell phones, iPads, computers, playing video games or what I discussed in a previous blog – too much screen time. These pre-bedtime habits have proven to delay the natural secretion of melatonin, which helps us sleep. And because of too much light, the secretion doesn’t happen, resulting in sleep disorders and fatigue. (Go back to Blog # 13 – Sleep Deprivation and Kids).

In my blog and discussed by Dr. Sax, “Sleep deprivation mimics ADHD almost perfectly.” And because of this, ADHD appears to be mis-diagnosed in sleep deprived children. It’s almost a collusion and cop out of the parents and doctors to take the easy path of less resistance. “It is now easier to administer a pill prescribed by a board-certified physician, than to firmly instruct a child and impose consequences for bad behavior.” Again the parents are avoiding the tough choices and stricter compliances of modifying their children’s behavior. Are wimpy parents on the rise?

The true copout is allowing misbehavior to be diagnosed as a clinical condition. This way the parent’s responsibility of having to modify the child’s wrongful behavior is negated and it’s offloaded to a medical diagnosis. Parents… don’t be so lazy. Be a grown up and correct the root of the problem. Limit the screen time. Impose bedtime. Increase down time. Get back to responsible parenting instead of all the lovey dovey democratic mumbo-gumbo.

Another parental failing is that we are asking too much of our children, far too soon. Camarata is concerned that the surge in books, toys and software that focus on accelerated learning is overwhelming children. We are oversaturating them with ‘educational exercises’. “We’re treating them like little hard drives. This idea of pushing children to the absolute max of their developmental norm doesn’t give them time to reason and problem-solve. It actually undermines both self-confidence and fluid reasoning, or the ability to think.”

It seems that schools have exacerbated the problem by focusing on academic achievement at the cost of socialization. And because other nations have pulled ahead of American scholastic achievements, “the primary objective of educators has become literacy and numeracy.” And in Canada, Neufeld feels – “we have lost our culture. Our society is far more concerned that you perform.” That in turn puts pressure and stress on the children.

The result of all this shifting of educational values is that a “culture of disrespect” has emerged throughout North America. “Kids have become less attached to and influenced by the adults in their lives, [while] same-age peers have come to matter more to them.” Hence, the decline in our parental roles and the hierarchy of the family model.

Children, certainly young ones, “are not rational beings,” says Neufeld.” Part of growing up is testing boundaries; little ones, by their very nature, can’t be relied on to hold each other accountable – nor should they.”

Why is this supposed to be some kind of insight? Are parents that blind that they forget what they’re dealing with? The reason children become brats, is because we let them. They’re testing their boundaries and crossing lines in our proverbial sands. If we don’t stand up to them, and enforce our parental authority ‘with consequences’, then it us who has failed them. We allowed it to happen when they were expecting us to be firm. It’s such a fine line of going astray in our parental duties. Authority with children must be obeyed. It’s the natural order of things.

Next blog… Part III. Stay tuned on how to improve on this thorny issue of parenthood and who’s the boss?

Well I’m back in San Miguel, Mexico. Got out of Vancouver before the monsoons happened. Barely! In the YVR airport I purchased two magazines. Maclean’s and the Rolling Stone.

The RS had three feature articles I was interested in. The recapture of El Chapo, written by Sean Penn; Leo’s Crusade, about Leo Dicaprio’s environmental crusade and his riveting role and perhaps Academy award winning performance in “The Revenant” (which as an outdoor buff, I appreciated. A lot of it was shot in Canada and all with natural lighting); and an in depth take on the Paris climate accord signed onto by most of the world’s countries in early December (2015). There’s hope for humanity and the planet. Good-bye (not soon enough) to all the fossil fuel polluting oil barons’ disregard for our planet and their self-serving greed.

Maclean’s is listed as Canada’s National Magazine but really this front cover feature article is universal in its subject matter, for most western countries. The cover had a young boy on his knees with his mouth wide open yelling with a doll sized mother and father in each hand, as if he was squeezing the life out of them, like he was possessed, in control, yet out of control. It was brilliant! Hats off to the art designer/illustrators – Levi Nicholson and Richard Redditt. The article itself, is an eye opener written by Cathy Gulli.

Subject category: Child Rearing. Title: The Collapse of Parenting. The byline sub-title: If anyone can be called the boss in modern, anti-hierarchical parenthood, it’s the children. Why it’s time for parents to start being grown-ups again.

Great lead in to what I’ve been driving at in some of my past blogs. Children in many households these days are like the tail wagging the dog. And its creating havoc for not just the parents, but all of society and the kids too. Today’s kids are running amuck and becoming spoilt brats. (See my Blogs # 7 and # 8, entitled; Narcissism: Part I & II – The Brat New World).

This article has struck such a nerve with my beliefs, I’m going to quote it extensively and paraphrase and introduce my own sentiments. And to deal with it all, I’m spreading it out over three blogs. Part I; Part II and Part III.

To commence, there are five child professionals mentioned throughout but I’m listing them together below:

• Leonard Sax, a Pennsylvania family physician and psychologist known for writing about child development. His new book: The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups

•Gordon Neufeld, a prominent Vancouver psychologist

• Andrea Nair, a psychotherapist and parenting educator in London, Ontario

• Stephen Camarata, professor of hearing and speech sciences and psychiatry, at Vanderbilt University in Nashville. His latest book: The Intuitive Parent: Why the Best Thing For Your Child Is You

• Katie Hurley, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles and author of : The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World

In my mind, it all comes down to the basic principal of who’s the boss? Parents today are so fearful of loosing their children’s love or alienating them by being too over bearing, that they’ve deferred the power to their kids. They want to please them to avoid conflict and this sends out the wrong message. It reverses the role of who’s the boss. It displays a lack of confidence in themselves and projects insecurity onto the child. Bottom line, today’s parents are relinquishing their parental authority and it’s backfiring on them and creating a multitude of problems.

This collapse of parenting is the fundamental reason Dr. Sax believes today’s children are becoming “overweight, overmedicated, anxious and disrespectful of themselves and those around them.” In reality, parents are risking their superiority and authority over their children, which is a total breakdown of the family concept and it’s hierarchy. There’s a reason we have patriarchs and matriarchs. And they’ve been around ever since we’ve had family tribes.

The classic break down example used by Dr. Sax is the tableside manners and all too familiar eating habits and food choices of children. “The dinner table is ground zero. ‘When parents begin to cede control to their kids, food choices are often the first thing to slide’”.

The new parent is more likely to request that his child eat a particular vegetable rather than the old way of telling him what to eat. This puts the onus on the child to make a choice, which they inevitably do. However, it’ll likely be based on what’s sweeter, or unhealthier or whimsically based on the color of the vegetable. And often the parent is left with negotiating instead of dictating. Not exactly a wise way to create healthy habits and a balanced meal plan. And then the parent wonders why his child is getting obese? Duh!

Gordon Neufeld believes “Intuitively, we know that if we’re coercive, we’re going to get resistance… [but] when we consult our children about issues that symbolize nurturance like food, we put them in the lead… [then] they don’t feel taken care of and they start taking the alpha role.” A child in the alpha role?! Yeah, like that’s a great parenting choice!

The daily food negotiating is considered the commencement of the collapse of parenting. Role reversal creates confusion and disorientates any sense of authority within the family structure. When that happens, you have a child heading off to school with a rudderless sense of direction. If home base is baffling, where’s the foundation to go out into the world? No structure. No base. It all equals disruption.

Andrea Nair says, “There’s a massive parenting shift between our generation and the one before. We’ve come a long way from when you called your dad ‘Sir’ and when he walked in the house you would jump out of ‘his’ chair… We’re trying to pull off the emotion coaching but we haven’t received the training.” Parents nowadays are ever so conscious of listening and ensuring their children that their expressed emotions have been heard and understood.

My wife used to use the line “I’ve heard what you’ve had to say and I understand how your feeling but…” and that would be the lead in to what she’d have to say about it all. It seemed to work. But Nair says… “Kids have permission to have tantrums now because [they’re] learning how to manage feelings.” So are we seeing more tantrums than before? Probably. Going too far enables children to test the lines of inappropriateness. Also, without order there is chaos. Do we really want a tantrum kid to run the show?

I’ve always stressed routines and authoritative directions. Deliver the game plan. What team wins when there’s confusion on the play call? I sometimes wonder why we have to confuse the children with all this touchy feely stuff. Sure, be empathetic. Toss out a few bones to be kicked about, but at the end of the day, there’s got to be a leader they can look up to. The best disciplined teams are the ones that have a great quarter back as their leader. When a kid doesn’t know what’s good for himself, and we as parents let him make poor choices, what kind of parenting is that?

Independence is earned not given. When the child has valid reasons for wanting to make a different choice, then a conversation is warranted and if there’s good logic behind his choice, then it’s an informed decision that deserves consideration and perhaps approval. Until then, he needs to be told. It doesn’t need to be complicated.

How a child’s tantrums, food choices, and misguided feelings trump a parent’s authority is beyond me. Kids who get too much attention and choice are going to be ill prepared for the real world where there’s a work boss, a head coach, a drill sergeant, a professor, a captain, a president or some form of structure and hierarchy. The real world has order and chain of command. Does a real leader have time to ask how a grown up child is feeling? If you don’t learn to take commands, you’ll likely never be in position to give them. Parents need to grow some backbone and be the grown ups.

Who doesn’t appreciate a strong, fair minded and decisive leader? Isn’t that what the President of the United States is? Respect, discipline and acceptance are what we should be teaching our children. Free thinking, discussion and rationale is also good but there’s a time and place for it. Meanwhile, eat your meal or your not leaving the table. Verrrry uncomplicated! The spoiled brat syndrome is the parent’s fault. They enable their behavior by accepting it and not asserting command. And it only gets worse with teenagers. Some parents fear their children. How fricked up is that? And who’s to blame for allowing it? Duh!

I hope that Part I of this topic has opened some eyes. I know that there’s way more parents these days that have put off the family life for a little later, but this often manifests itself into a mentality of ‘well now, I’ve got to get it right.” And that’s what creates the pressure for perfection. As in parenting a better way.

Despite all this advice from the so called experts, which I don’t always agree with, yet I may like the ideas for discussion, there really is no expert, only paper degrees issued, experience and studies. I think my “Why Have Kids?” section in “Confessions of a Weekend Dad” sums up the reality of parenting better…

“With parenting, as with life, there is no how-to-book. There is no road map or GPS. It comes down to common sense, intuition, advice, and past experiences. How we were brought up has a large influence on that equation. We all feel as if we know how to improve on how it was for us, but there is no right or wrong way. Frankly, it’s all an experiment with good intentions.”

Stay tuned for Part II.

Better than a well trained dog, Jibo, is a social robot that’s smarter than a smart phone and loaded with algorithms. Learning your preferences and recognizing you in a crowd is his thing. Well naturally, it’s a male. Cynthia Breazeal is an MIT superstar inventor/engineer pioneering and leading the social robots and artificial intelligence race. And like Christmas, Jibo is coming! But well before Christmas 2016.

Breazeal likens Jibo, to an appliance that’s smaller than a small microwave. Factory models will be shipping early this year for in/around $1,000. My Dad would be falling out of his rocker with this new gadget come robot buddy. Can you imagine the social implications this puppy, well robot, will do for humanity? It has the potential to be the game changer for a whole set of social dysfunctions and our history as an emotional species. Speaking of which, one of Breazeal’s former collaborators is MIT psychologist Sherry Turkle, author of Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age and a 1980’s book entitled – The Second Self, all about the rise of the personal computer. So let the debates, pundits and soothsayers take their positions. We humans are in for a ride only dreamable up until a decade or so ago.

Turkle was out of the gate in the early goings of our digital revolution. She foresaw the possibility for how digital devices would become addictive, distracting, and somewhat dehumanizing. Now with the pending release of Jibo, she fears people will get one to sublimate their parenting duties as in babysitting, entertaining or even caring for the elderly. She feels that our gadgets will keep us permanently distracted from our real emotions and erode our personal relationships, even our empathy. How does a robot replicate empathy?

Turkle claims, “These are robots that pretend that they love you, they pretend they have a life, they pretend they have friendship – this is a pretend relationship, and pretend empathy. For kids, it’s toxic, and it can only get us into trouble.” Excuse the pun but no kidding!

I’ve been saying this for some time myself, well at least the kid part and loss of empathy in our relationships. You only need look at how kids think that by having a ton of followers on Facebook that they are really “liked” and have meaningful “friends”. How misguided. Now because a programed robot talks with them, they’ll have another friend they can confide in. Oh, boy! Seriously, the shit’s going to hit the fan when that happens. Why hang out with real people when you can be ‘liked’ by your buddy the robot? Will Jibo laugh at all the stupid jokes? Shades of the movie – “Her” about a man who falls in love with a female computer starring Joaquin Phoenix, Amy Adams and the voice of Scarlett Johannson. It was a stimulating concept that won an Academy Award in 2013 for Best Original Screenplay.

Breazeal counters that Jibo will help us overcome our screen addictions. Great, we go from screens to pretend friends who will interact with us. “What we want is technology that enriches our lives, that serves us.” Yes, like we can feel more connected with a fake friend programmed to like us, even if we’re being dick heads. Oh, won’t that be great for humanity. We can hand out attitude and we’ll still be ‘liked’. Breazeal goes on to say, “It really keeps you in the physical real, social world. So that way you can have a group conversation… and feel like you’re included. It supports a more natural, physically present, face-to-face interaction.”

What planet is this woman on? ‘Natural’ and ‘face-to-face interaction’. Are we so deprived we need to pretend we’re having a real natural conversation with a fake human replacement? I guess I wasn’t born into the digital world, so I still believe in human relationships, real emotions, and real imagination, not some programmed robot side-kick. Hey, I’ll stay open to checking it all out, but I worry about the younger generation loosing touch with reality and the roots and essence of our humanity.

So the future is in social robots? When I’m too old to have anyone interested in talking with me, maybe I’ll be more welcoming to having a robot converse with me. Give me a human who can recall memorable times and I’ll take that over a sterile programmed mind-toy, man-servant any day. It may be my last option though. And won’t that be funny when I have dementia and Alzheimer’s and the robot gets frustrated that I keep asking the same questions and forget his name or mistake him for someone else? Or can these digital engineers find logarithms to emote empathy in robots? And how sincere will that be? Shoot me if it comes down to the fact that only a robot will talk with me. Jibo may not replace the human touch but maybe his descendants can replace my need for some one to pretend to be listening. Will they be able to program sincerity too?

Besides interacting with my grandchildren, one of my driving reasons for living a long life is to be able to see just how far our technologies evolve. We’re now on a trajectory course and exponential curve that’s outpacing my resistance to acceptance. Change is at such a rapid pace, it’s hard to keep up with the latest and greatest. I’m truly enthralled and marvel at life’s possibilities and where our technology is leading us.

What can we possibly invent next? Driverless cars? They’re on their way! Pretty soon there won’t be human error in accidents, only mechanical or technical errors. It adds a whole new meaning to drinking and driving. And that concept will introduce the idea of being bombed but not having to taking a taxi home, assuming they’re still around after Uber Taxi takes over. What about the robot maid and butler? The robot tutor? R2D2 from Star Wars is upon us. You have learned well my young Jibo!

Personally, I’m looking forward to these new simulators (I call them ‘stimulators’), where I can get the adrenalin rush from skiing down a glacier, competing in the Olympics as the athlete, or a race car driver or being able to jump off a cliff with only a jump suit, flying without all the expense or danger of doing the real thing. Imagine Coca-Cola. The real thing will be dead. The fake thing will be the new real thing. Life experiences can be dialed up with everything becoming one big sensory tease. Can the real love thing be replaced with the ultimate sex fantasy? Will the Matrix replace human experience? So much to live for! I’m curiously waiting because then I’ll have transitioned to the new reality! Bring it in before I’m out!

First off… Happy New Year! I trust everyone had a great Christmas, a jolly Christmas, a merry Christmas and no, I’m not going to say Happy Holidays! That kind of political correctness is non-sense. Why can’t people celebrate and acknowledge that someone else has a different religion and be happy for them. If I know someone is Jewish, I don’t say Happy Holidays, I say Happy Hanukkah! Forget all this homogenized ‘let’s not offend someone’ mentality. I can still respect and share in the joy of someone else’s religion. It’s called celebration and recognition. Forget all the political tripe.

Two quick things of note and to celebrate… First off, this past Christmas – December 25th, 2015 was the first time since 1977 that there was a full moon! The next full moon on Christmas won’t be until 2034. I hope I’m still around for that one! Secondly, celebrate that the days are now getting longer which means more light, less darkness. Spring is coming. Yeah!

So today I want to talk about sleeping habits, especially amongst children. The bad news is “Houston, we have a problem!” A recent study shows that about 70% of Canadian children are having problems sleeping. Wow! Remember the expression – sleep like a baby. Not happening!

So what are about 30% of the parents doing about it? Yep, they are going for the magic pill solution, which is… over the counter melatonin. And even the drug companies aren’t sure what the long term affects are. Really?! Parents are gambling with their kids’ health because they’re too lazy to address the root of the problem. How sad.

Don’t get me wrong, and I’m certainly no expert, but come on parents, before reaching for the ‘quick fix’ with a possible down side, why not at least try behavioral changes in the habits of your child? Researchers suspect that one of the key causes could be the excessive use of electronic devices, particularly anything with a screen. This exposure interferes with our sleep because the light inhibits melatonin, which (our bodies produce) that naturally flows to the brain when night falls and lights begin to dim.

Increased screen time or excessive light exposure interferes with our natural secretion of melatonin. Hence parents are scrambling to offer melatonin supplements instead of limiting the screen time or eliminating it several hours before bedtime. And what might be some of the symptoms? Apparently, there’s all kinds of studies linking sleep deprivation to learning difficulties, behavioral problems and possible increased obesity.

And on the flip side, Doctors are apparently misdiagnosing ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) in children when it’s very possible that this behavioral problem is all because of a lack of sleep. Or more to the point, children are suffering from chronic sleep deprivation. Aren’t we all? We use our smart phones, iPads and computers all day long like robots, and then we might watch TV or do some emails, or surf the net, or check our Twitter accounts, Pinterest or Facebook before going to bed. Duh! Lack of natural body produced melatonin hormones, ya think?!

Okay, so besides the magic pill approach, why not try modifying behavior, especially before bedtime. With my children, I most often than not, prepared them for bed like a ritual. Frankly, that ritual for their sleep prep was my ritual for me too! I found a bath to warm them up and calm them down, worked wonders, along with a bedside low light or no light bedtime story. That got us all very sleepy. Try it. It works! Great for bonding too.

How do I know this stuff, I derived most of the info from a Vancouver Province newspaper article, entitled, “How to help your children sleep” which was written by Sam Cooper, who also listed some sleep-improvement tips from University of BC nursing school Prof. Wendy Hall, (and I’m paraphrasing them below):

1. Have a regular bedtime. Before 9pm has proven best for quickn ess, longer and deeper durations.
2. Establish routines (I call them rituals) and 20 minutes will suffice.
3. Read stories, but not from a screen device. (I would ‘tell’ stories while they were already in bed and wouldn’t need light at all).
4. Make sure its their own bed, not the sofa or with Mom and Dad.
5. Avoid caffeine, as in chocolate, soft drinks, etc. (or excessive sugar) long before bedtime.
6. Avoid screen time as TV, videos and computers are more likely to stimulate than calm.
7. Avoid playing video games (in adolescents) as this will excite and activate stress hormones, rather than calm them with their natural melatonin secretions.

So much of this is common sense but in today’s world, parents are so wired themselves from their device attachments and exposure, (coffee fixes too), its hardly likely they can tell their kids not to do what they are doing. Monkey see, monkey do!

So why not do yourself and your kids a favor and take the advice and tips above and get a good night’s sleep yourself. You might even enjoy and include a quickie once in a while as part of your own bedtime ritual. A last gasp orgasm can work wonders for drifting off into LaLa Land!

Make a change. Make a difference! It’s a new year, so try being a difference maker. Happy new parenting!

To all you split families out there. If your separation/divorce has happened recently and this is your first Christmas holiday or Hanukkah since that occurrence, this holiday season will be very emotional and difficult for you. But, with some conscious effort, it can be an opportunity to set things right for years to come.

First off. This is all about the kids. Despite how and why you have split from your spouse, it’s not the children’s fault, so you must not spoil their Christmas because yours might be. Get that clear, or you’re headed for disappointment, over and over and over again. Trust me. Leave any anger at the door. It’s a holiday killer to drag your negative emotions into other people’s lives, especially your children’s.

Secondly, agree to a sharing of the children before the big day comes. You both need to be clear to the children what’s going to happen at Christmas. This is new territory for them too but they are children not adults, so explain it to them after you have an agreement. If the relationship with your spouse is not acrimonious and you can handle it, you may want to consider having a few hours where you are all together so it feels like it used to. However, if it is acrimonious, who has the kids and when, is essential. Don’t be winging this. Be fair to each other because if you’re fair with each other, you’re being fair to the kids! They deserve equal parent time too.

Another factor is, and this is a failing of the courts, is the rights of the grand-parents. They are family too. Frankly, divorced in-laws usually don’t have the emotional baggage the separated parents do. For that reason, they should get time with the children. What’s usually best is for the single parent to take the kids to his/her parents place so that there’s more adults focusing on the kids. The kids always share their joy and bewilderment, so its shared all around. Then ensure the other single parent gets to do the same with the kids and his/her parents. That’s a win-win-win arrangement.

Some people I know actually celebrate Christmas earlier for one parent so there’s no disappointment for one of the parents and the kids on Christmas day. This can be alternated over the years. For years I would take the kids either on Christmas eve evening or Christmas day afternoon. It seemed to work well but we never alternated, it was whatever my ex decided which I just accepted. Why fight it?

The key thing to be clear on is getting these decisions done with plenty of time to let the kids know what’s happening. Decide who will have the kids and on which days, when transitions occur and who’s delivering when? And to avoid finger pointing, confirm everything by email so there’s no arguing about what was agreed to. (I learned that verbal agreements were too conveniently forgotten). It also takes out most of the emotion. Keep it simple, like a transaction agreement.

Manage expectations and share the arrangements with the kids so they aren’t left feeling anxious about the plan. The best gift for the children is an anxious free and peaceful holiday. Avoid put downs, arguing, fights, or using the kids as go-betweens. Shame on you if you do. Be the better parent if this happens and turn the other cheek. Contain your anger and frustration. To help with this, hold the children high and sacrifice everything for their happiness. And above all else, remember that Christmas is for kids!

Have a wonderful and enlightening Christmas! My best to you all.

Hey, I’m in Victoria, BC. Just got back into Vancouver from Mexico two days ago. I crossed the Georgia Strait in a ferry that was really rockin’. So much so that a few hours later the ferry sailings were cancelled! Lucky I took the early one.
I changed my plans to be back earlier so I could attend a UVic Vikings rugby reunion of sorts in Victoria. In particular, I made the change so I wouldn’t miss out on seeing one of my aging mentors and spiritual leader of many years ago. He’s aging rapidly and I was warned to not miss this seemingly yearly occurrence for fear he might not make another one. I’m glad I listened to the advice. I also ended up staying at my son Hayden’s place, in a studio basement suite. I can remember those days but they sure have lost their appeal.

I took some impressive violent storm photos at near-by Oak Bay Marina, where the waves were crashing high over the breakwater. It was a high tide and with the storm surge and high winds (up to 90 kph) there was a lot of white spray being swept into the air. The waves were relentless. Check my photography section under Author’s Corner on the website to see what I’m talking about. I’m posting a photo in my Photo of the Week section.

Needless to say, I had a great reunion, spent time with my mentor and other buds, and got to hang out with my son at the University Pub where he was working the late shift. I caught a movie too at the old student union building movie theatre where our rugby club once ran an old fashioned “Casino” with a burlesque stripper show. My mentor, nick-named ‘The Flying Banana’, even danced with the stripper on stage! But that’s really another story.

Okay, so I’ve just been tipped off to the fact that many Canadian schools are no longer teaching kids how to write. (Also over 40 US states). More specifically it’s what we call ‘cursive writing’. That’s when the characters/letters are joined via a script style of writing. This is mind blowing to me. It’s just so basic a skill to know. And the reason for ‘dropping’ it from the school curriculums is that there’s too many other things that need to be taught. Really?! And the other excuse is that kids’ signatures will soon be replaced with bio scans and that they’ll also soon be dictating Siri-style, (with auto-correct), instead of having to use pen and paper. How sad.

I can remember when calculators started emerging a few decades ago. Wow! For me that was a godsend. I was hopeless at numbers, math and anything that resembled hieroglyphic formulas. But knowing one’s times table still seemed essential. How essential? One day at the bank, a teller couldn’t calculate an exchange rate for me because her computer was down (this was even before smart phones), so I was out of luck. I was aghast! It was a simple multiple times problem, yet she couldn’t do it. My point… without electrical power, she was as useless as the machine that was replacing her cognitive brain. Co-dependency indeed! Arithmetic basics – none!

What I’ve garnered is that there are inherent fine-motor skills learned from joining letters together with quick strokes as “…composing on paper has been found to assist with memory and recall, develop thinking strategies, expand vocabulary and boost creativity.”* And a study at the University of Washington, in Seattle, found that kids who practiced writing by hand instead of typing, used more words, wrote quicker and expressed more ideas than they did using a keyboard. And another study from the University of Indiana found that using “…functional magnetic resonance imaging has revealed that handwriting better engages the brain than simply looking at typed characters on a computer screen.”* Good things to know, so what gives?

I learnt something new from my son this past weekend, when he had to submit a written paper by noon on Sunday. I asked if he needed a ride to drop off the paper and he said not to worry, he was just going to email it to his professor and that it would be time stamped to meet the deadline. Ingenious I thought to my self but of course, times have changed. That wasn’t an option in my day. It’s a whole new world now!

And its not only at University, elementary students can submit papers and homework and assignments via Dropbox or via other apps, or download papers via teacher’s websites or even drop off a USB stick. Who needs handwriting? But hey, what if one finds oneself confined as a prisoner in some makeshift jail and there’s no computer to leave a note behind? You know, like a written clue on the wall where you were tied up. And I guess this lost skill blows out the idea of a message in a bottle too!

Maybe teaching curative writing skills will now be left to us parents and grand-parents. Will it be like a parent teaching a kid morse-code? I sure hope not. And for the more romantic, how do you really replace the all so personal hand written love letter? Surely there’s some things that shouldn’t change. We just seem to be getting further from the human touch with all this evolving technology.

Until my next blog, think of the last time you actually wrote a letter or a quick note to someone? When was the last time you wrote a note in a birthday card or note to someone to let them know you’d dropped by? If it’s been awhile, you’ve been swept up into the digital tide! Cursive writing… it’s the end of our modern day hieroglyphics. My generation has become the dinosaurs of this all new byte world.

* “Going off script”; an article by Lisa Van De Geyn, from Today’s Parent magazine.

Late today, President Obama addressed the nation on TV regarding what he is doing to keep the USA safe from terrorists. It seemed so odd that a nation with such military power is being shaken by the threat of terrorist attacks. Since 911 and the twin tower disaster, it seems Americans live in fear of another attack. And the media and some politically motivated operatives, it seems, are using that fear to gain more control and strip away individual rights. Well, and then that leads us right into gun control and we all know what a waste of time that topic is.

From my innate Canadian perspective, when the senate of America seems so hell bent on assuring everyone that it’s their God given right to bear arms, even I loose faith in a happy ending. These law makers think that even assault weapons are a good idea. Good luck with that mentality. As long as society promotes and profits from alcohol consumption, has a percentage of mentally unstable people on a variety of subscription drugs, recreational drugs, hard drugs, has millions suffering from depression, schizophrenia, bi-polar, etc. and they’re entitled to buy assault weapons. Really?! It seems obvious that the gun lobby is in the hip pockets of the politicians. How that nasty cocktail mix for disaster is good for the nation, with a growing track record of mass killings, is beyond me.

And all that dovetails to our subject today… that of encouraging a positive environment for our children to learn in. Education of today’s youth will reap rewards. Those who learn today will solve the problems of tomorrow. And we should encourage this thirst for knowledge in the best way possible. Maybe they’ll grow up and figure out how to protect Americans from gun toting Americans! There’s always hope, especially through education.

Learning is a product of several factors but none more important than a child’s own motivation, which is also a source of renewable fuel we can all tap into. Motivation is closely connected to reward as well. When we experience excitement and self-satisfaction, the brain releases dopamine, a motivation molecule, which scientists believe is a key link to learning. Good things to know if we parents wish our kids more success and self-confidence in their lives.

Most importantly, motivation increases when a child is happy and decreases when they feel bad. This is supported by research that proves children learn best when there’s happiness, joy and laughter. Okay, so the lesson here is that we parents need to provide the environment by which our kids can succeed in fulfilling their potential through learning.

The environment that children learn in isn’t limited to the classroom, it extends to their extra-curricular activities after school, as well as the all important home environment. So two of those aren’t in our domain of control, so we need to encourage, volunteer or support those who are on the front lines with our children. Why? Because if they feel good about what they’re teaching and are happy teaching it, our children will learn more quickly and effectively. Learning environments need to be upbeat and positive. The teacher’s attitude is key to that success. Their happiness can be infectious and encourage learning at a greater rate.

Encouraging our children’s participation in extra-curricular activities, that they have a genuine passion for, is vital and is a worthy investment towards their all encompassing self-motivation. I’ve always believed that happy kids are healthy kids and if they can be happy as they learn, that dopamine will flow freely. The concept of learning can be fun and very fulfilling, it’s just got to be presented and encouraged in a very positive way.

I feel I’ve been blessed as my two boys have fun, laugh and joke a lot. It’s a source of joy for me to hear them laughing amongst themselves. When they were much younger, they always enjoyed watching educational shows on TV like Kratts’ Creatures, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Myth Busters, National Geographic, the Auzzie Steve Irwin – the Crocodile Hunter and any and all animal/nature shows. I didn’t even have to encourage them, they naturally took to knowledge and reading at quite a young age. The more they read, the more they wanted to read. And the level of the books became staggeringly more difficult, yet they embraced them with determination and joy.

When my oldest was in grade 10, he was already reading Lord of the Rings. I was stunned. I couldn’t read that one when I was in grade 12. I could never remember the names, let alone pronounce them. Yet, my son was reading Harry Potter books, the LOTR trilogy, science books, National Geographic magazines and so on. The point is, he enjoyed learning through reading and the two brothers tested each other on subject matter and characters from their readings.

The greatest thing I believe I did for my sons one Christmas was to buy them a series of 32 books when they were approximately 10 and 12 years old. The Vancouver Sun newspaper was promoting a literacy program and they had compiled a purchasable collection of classic books for kids to read. They were mostly books that were in the public domain so they could reprint them without having to pay royalties to the writers or publishers. It was just the cost of printing and binding, etc. I think I purchased the whole collection for under $200. They had “Moby Dick”, “Treasure Island”, “A Tale of Two Cities”, “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer”, “The Three Musketeers”, “Robinson Crusoe”, “Oliver Twist”, “Peter Pan”, “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland”, “Gulliver’s Travels”, “Frankenstein”, “Grimm’s Fairy Tales” and many many more!

Reading these books catapulted them into a new world of possibilities and extended their imaginations into believing in the impossible. Reading also became our way to talk about new concepts and the lives and attitudes of these bigger than life characters and heroes. The world just seemed to open up for them.

What are you doing to encourage self-learning with your children? What environments are you ensuring they’re exposed to in order for them to feel they’re in a positive learning head space? What new skills are they learning and who’s teaching them? Do you know their passions, their interests, their heroes and role models? If not, you’re missing out in many ways. It’s never too late to get more involved in the process. More on this subject later.

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it, is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”
– William Arthur Ward
It’s been another busy week. Turkey shot down a Russian jet plane over invaded air space. Turf wars over air space? Isn’t that a doozie! More importantly though, is that it was American Thanksgiving this past Thursday. It appears to be more and more of a holiday of gratefulness. Besides the growing commercialism of it, Americans are using it to reconnect with family and express gratefulness. Frankly, most days should be grateful days. But no doubt, we’re all guilty of not expressing enough thanks. The simple act of gratitude or expressing it costs nothing, yet we fail to act upon it. Why? Are we lazy? Or have we lost sight of the true act of gratitude? For some, receiving is a form of entitlement that goes without thankfulness. And that’s never good.

I’ve touched on both of these concepts in previous blogs but not in combination or in depth. Gratitude in my mind is an expression of appreciation. Something our society could do a lot more with. We often claim to be grateful but then do nothing about it. Why is that? How can we be truly grateful, if we don’t act upon it? Have we lost our manners too?

Whenever I perform an act of kindness, or go out of my way to assist someone, or praise someone, I don’t expect a returned favor but I certainly appreciate some gratitude or a thank you. I like to spread some joy and pile it on in my karma bank, (not that I’m keeping score). I just like to think I’m giving more than receiving. Sometimes the giver receives more than the receiver. Weird concept, which I never understood, but the following example may help.

A few years ago when I was dealing with my mother’s funeral arrangements, I connected with the pastor of our church. I told her of how I had taken Sunday school as a young boy and one of my teachers had left a lasting impression on me, especially with his teachings of bible stories and parables. When I mentioned his name she said he was still alive and living in a nursing home. He was now 95!

I thought about it and figured I should go thank him for teaching me such good Christian values and for his volunteer time. The lessons I’d learned had served me well. She told me how to get ahold of him and I called the home and arranged a meeting. I hadn’t seen him in over 50 years!

He was very aged and required some help. We exchanged information on what had happened in our lives. He then asked me why I would bother to come and see him. I told him that I was truly grateful for his teachings and that they had helped me blaze my own path in life. I told him about my divorce and feelings of being a seemingly second rate father and how I overcame it. I told him that I’d written a collection of short stories about my experiences. He was fascinated, engaged and full of joy that he had touched and improved my life. He was still surprised that I had bothered to track him down to pay a visit. I even told him which parables had given me guidance and shared my experiences that paralleled them. He was delighted. He was truly happy and elated. His joy became my joy for having made him feel that way.

I left him with an elated feeling of worthiness that’s hard to express. I had bothered to seek out a mentor who never knew the influence he’d had on me. I shared how his positive impact had made a difference in my life. I had given him a gift that cost me nothing except an hour or so of my time to a dying man. This was not a gift of expectation. It was a gift of love and appreciation. My gift became my blessing. To bring such joy to someone was a gift to myself. My simple act of giving brought us both joy.

Okay, so back to entitlement. Unfortunately, it appears we have a whole new generation of people who have been coddled by their parents, grand-parents, aunts and uncles, or some family members. And because of this, children have such high expectations. They think the offerings and platitudes will just keep on coming. And those great expectations have transformed into an attitude of entitlement. They feel they are owed or deserve more. And as parents, we have aided that falsehood. Often because of this, gratitude is no longer necessary. Gratitude is usually when you receive something special or unexpectedly by an act of kindness or generosity. But when it’s expected, gratitude loses out to entitlement, and its not just kids. Anyone can be enabled by routine gifts and compliments. But when it stops, there’s an air of crushed expectation, disappointment and ingratitude.

My first step-son was so used to his mother doing everything for him and showering him with gifts that he came to believe that whenever anyone did the same for him, it was because he deserved it without giving it any thought. Then if he didn’t get the royal treatment, he was disappointed because he had such high expectations. And what I found most intolerable was that his mom never taught him to be grateful. He rarely thanked anyone for a gift. He rarely acknowledged the person who went out of their way to be generous to him, let alone his mother. He was what I call an ungrateful spoiled brat. He had no sense of value or appreciation. He was being brought up to be a taker. He learned nothing about the value of things, let alone relationships. This attitude is becoming more prevalent with this new generation. Its very sad indeed.

Gratitude isn’t necessarily instinctual. It’s often a form of thanks stemming from a learned behavior. And yes, it can be instilled and taught. It’s a courtesy that comes from good manners. Those who don’t have this trait often come from families that don’t instill good manners or who don’t bother to care. And that’s a parental omission.

I was able to encourage good manners with my kids by simply ignoring requests for things that didn’t come with a please or thank you. After awhile, it was so simple. If my kids wanted me to pass them something at the dinner table, it was only going to happen if a please was included. Not a difficult task. But I’ve noted many a parent who respond to their children’s commands without so much as a please or thank you. Well, catering to that attitude is enablement pure and simple. And like most good habits, its starts with the little things!

Be happy, show gratitude, feel blessed! Until next time, think of someone in your past who has contributed to your life in a way that is worthy of acknowledgement and gratitude. Was it a teacher, a coach, a neighbor, family friend, a shop keeper, a waiter/waitress, a volunteer or a colleague? It doesn’t matter, that person would be tickled to hear that their good deeds influenced your life in such a positive way that you were motivated to thank them. And believe me, if you do this, you will feel something very special inside for acknowledging them and making them feel good about themselves and their deeds.

Will things ever change? There’s been another terrorist attack in the world. This time in Mali. an old French colony. Seems these cowardly losers are everywhere. I wish they’d get a life instead of screwing up everyone else’s in the name of religion. Like that’s a badge to shine.

I must say I was inspired and moved by a TV news clip of a piano performance in Paris, at one of the terrorist attack locations. I don’t know the whole story but I was near tears watching an unknown pianist playing John Lennon’s – “Imagine” on a grand piano while people gathered around remembering what life is all about and how important it is to love one another and respect each other. I was moved by the simplicity of his act and the song lyrics. I also saw a brief clip of a man, who had lost his wife in one of the terrorist attacks, who was quoted as saying that he would not give the terrorists the ‘gift of hate’ that they seem to thrive on. By hating them, it fuels their hatred for others even more. It’s kind of like Ghandi’s passive resistance that worked against the British in his quest for India’s independence. This man offered brave words of conviction to live by. With people like that, it spreads hope that the world can be a better place.

Meanwhile, back at The Brat New World bent I was on in my last posting. Narcissism, it appears, has hit an all time high in our society. And from my humble perspective, it’s created a ‘brat’ society. By that I mean, there’s a lot of self-centered people who expect attention at the cost of empathy for others. That the world seemingly evolves around them and their own myopic view of things. There are a lot of people out there doing things to be noticed, admired or followed. Taken too far, which I think is happening, and you have a society of ‘wanna bees’ and ‘look at mees’. And they’re the last thing we need more of.

Wanna bees, in my world, are people who wanna bee something they’re not. If they actually were someone, with talent or conviction, then they wouldn’t be left wanting to be that someone else. It’s a bit like a split personality but making that condition a conscious choice. That’s simply not being genuine. Imagine a society where pretending to be someone else is valued more than being yourself? Saying the ‘right’ thing is more important than simple honesty. This new society, that seemingly has false values, is worrisome.

Back to the narcissism part. Our image of who we think we are is now superseding reality. We don’t want to confuse our brand because it’s far more important to project the image of who we think we are, than who we really are. Yep, read that one again.

This narcissistic behavior is also being played out by parents, with their kids. It seems parents these days are spoiling their kids with gifts and special attention because their children are a ‘reflection’ of themselves. Showering them with attention is actually what many parents want for themselves. A case in the extreme. Last week I read about a Chinese couple who actually bought their 7 year old daughter a $77 million dollar diamond or was it $77,000. Either way, it’s obscene. Are you frickin’ kidding me!! That’s beyond stupid. What message is that for anyone? How messed up will that little girl be when she becomes an adolescent? She’ll be a spoilt teenage super brat. Talk about high maintenance and screwed up values!

I can assure you its not about the girl, its about the parents. They are projecting their desperate need to have their daughter viewed as a reflection of how wonderful and special they think they are themselves! By creating the super kid, by default , they become the super parents! They want this act of audacity to reflect back on themselves. Their daughter is so cool because they are so cool. It’s really sickening.

This plays out with parents spending a fortune on birthday parties for their children, in buying elaborate costumes for their kids on Halloween, booking them up with lessons for just about anything and then bragging to others how great their son or daughter is at whatever. Has keeping up with the Jones taken on kids as the new measuring stick? Kids are getting wrapped up in all the bull too. Kids have come to expect things to happen for them, or to be given ‘things’ as a form of love. But somehow this twisted viewpoint has created entitlement. Now that’s dangerous.

I believe there’s a social correction coming, and it’ll be on a grand scale. Kids get chauffeured to school, to practice, to parties, etc. They are becoming the Barbie dolls of their parents, while they are showered with money and clothing, with electronic gadgets and cell phone plans and even cars. I’ve heard of parents offering their daughters boob jobs as a graduating present. How screwed up is that? This is encouragement for the procreation of a narcissistic generation of self-centered brats. Brats who will be ill prepared to have any meaningful relationship with like-minded mates.

Whatever happened to saving up pocket money to buy things, or hard work or small jobs to learn the value of things? Why are parents perpetuating this coddled behavior and enabled attitude upon their kids? The “look at me” world is coming home to roost and the next generation is in for a social correction. There’s going to be a major fall out, and the toll on the family concept, as we know it, is at stake. Divorce will become more prevalent and our society will implode from too much competition for attention. Be cool, be hip but don’t believe that your sh*t doesn’t stink!

Observe, assess and become more aware. Self-esteem is important but self-importance is precarious. This topic will be revisited another time because it’s not going away. Stay tuned!

What a terrible thing to hear about! I’m now in sunny San Miguel, Mexico only to hear of the terrorist attacks in Paris. It makes me sick and angry. I’m saddened. I’m outraged. I’m numb. I’m helpless. What a senseless act of violence. What cowardice. What scabs of humanity. What losers! Spending any more time talking about it, just perpetuates their cause. And what cause can killing unarmed, innocent fun loving people be? Recruiting lost souls and turning them into cold blooded killers is sheer manipulation. It’s despicable and sick. Deprived losers. Martyrdom. Really!? The scum has earned the right to be taken out with the trash. My feelings go out to those left behind to deal with the grief, loss and suffering.

This violence hit a little close to home as it was only weeks ago that I was in England for the Rugby World Cup along with my step-son and my friends. He wanted to go to Europe because he’d never been. He had a friend staying in Paris, so he left for a few days to join his buddy. They could easily have been at any one of these locations where the killings occurred. Who knows, these killers were planning this for awhile and it could have taken place when my step-son was there. But by fate and timing, he was spared the horror while others were taken. No rhyme or reason. An act based on brainwashed fanatical idealism. Very sad indeed.

Moving on… You’ve heard the term, “Fake it until you make it!” Well, it just seems that everyone these days is trying to make it. But just what are they trying to make? What is ‘making it’? Seems like there’s a fast track to being cool, hip and noticed. Look at me. I’m wearing the right cloths, the right brand names, driving the sleek car, having a hip lifestyle, owning high tech gadgets, hanging with the right people, sporting the latest haircut or beard, being invited to the ‘in’ parties and functions, being at the big game, being noticed, being seen, being in the popular places at the right times. Okay, enough already! Who the hell really cares? Who do these people think they are?

Paris Hilton was famous for being famous, or should I say infamous. Kim Kardashian? I’ve never watched her reality show or ‘followed’ her. Just heard the name and seen her big butt and big boobs and ‘hanging out’ with the cool people. That’s it? Really!? Wow. Now that’s branding. Are people branding themselves for being themselves or are they faking it until they make it? Kind of pathetic I’d say. Why is the new generation and all those out of place wanna bees so desperate to be noticed? Were they ignored as kids? Did they get bullied in high school for being nerds, too fat, too ugly, geographically undesirable, not wealthy enough, or fashion losers. Are they making up for it now? Is it entitlement for all those years of not being good enough?

I find it so sad and often annoying that people want to fill you in on all the insignificant things they’re doing. Trivial things. Is their self inflated egos so deprived that they honestly believe we really care. Well duh, there’s so many others out there wanting to be on top of the ‘noticed’ pile, that they’ve bought into a seemingly addictive and needy trend. People seem so desperate to get liked on Facebook, it’s become an escalating obsession trend. The younger generation seems to have bought into this mentality and often judge themselves and others by their popularity. The measure is how many ‘likes’ they have on their posts. Really?! Is all this instant gratification and ‘I’m liked’ a need to be accepted? In my mind its a form of narcissism and its increasing at an alarming rate.

I once overheard two young impressionable girls arguing about who was more popular. They were both boasting about how many friends they had on Facebook. Apparently, quantity rocks! Sad again. I may have a lot of friends but I know which ones I can count on. I have a sense of their core values, their work and passions, their commitments and family, which is a rarity these days. So when I hear this “I have friends” refrain, I shudder. My test is simple. Ask yourself, of all these so-called friends, how many could you call up in the middle of the night and ask for them to come down to the jailhouse to bail you out? Who of these hundreds of cool friends are really going to show up to be there for you in your time of need? When you can honestly answer that, then those are your friends, not your “I’ll friend you, if you friend me” kind of friends. Those ones are sycophant friends of convenience. Values placed on the clicks of a button, posted selfies and a trite juggle of generic information is a falsehood. Meaningless stats and mug shots have replaced values, passions, empathy, emotions and real relationships.

Watching the odd episodes of the X-Factor and the now defunct Amerian Idol, especially in the auditions, I found it so pathetic that wanna bees clambered into the room expecting to sing a few bars with no voice or talent at all, and then they cried claiming to be devastated because their dreams had been crushed by not getting a ticket to Hollywood. How lame these self inflated and indulgent wanna bees are. Did they honestly think they could rehearse at home for a few nights and just show up to be discovered with absolutely no commitment to a career path? There’s a big difference between dreams and simply wishing. It appears, Aall they really dreamed of was being famous. The trouble is people want to be famous but they don’t have any talent to get them there. They want the spoils but not the hard work and commitment.

So I guess what’s got me worried is that there’s far too many people living in a “Look at me! Aren’t I wonderful” kind of world. They believe that we actually care about how their dog Popsie tracked their shit all over the living room without even noticing it. Really?! Like anyone should give a sh-t about their dogs toilet problems? Is that the level people have gotten to?

I understand how its necessary to promote oneself for professional reasons, or to share some interesting experiences with friends and acquaintances, but the mindless mush of tripe out there is amazing. I’ve been told I need to do this Facebook thing for building my writer’s “platform” but I’m having trouble putting in the time, even though there’s plenty to share when I’m travelling. I suppose in a way, my book is a bit self-indulgent but I have been very selective as to the stories I have shared. I’ve been at it for 12 years and have re-written them several times over. I also believe there are some valuable lessons worth sharing, but to tell people about trivial things that don’t really matter. What is that?

I was in the Jardin this afternoon, (that’s the town center), and I must have seen eight people with sticks with a phone camera on the end, taking photos of themselves, posing for the camera and talking to it. They just seemed so self absorbed with their proverbial navels, that they weren’t really present. They were missing out on the activity around them. Like some kind of robot, walking around looking at themselves and admiring themselves and duplicating their images to share with their followers. Yes, I said followers. Not friends, followers. Sadly, many people are confused with the difference. The new generation seemingly doesn’t have real friends who care, but they do have ‘followers’. It’s the new replacement.

Our society… this new society, seems headed down a very slippery slope. A dangerous slope of narcissism that I would like to evaluate closer. I feel I’m an observer with a social bent and I want to share more with you on this subject because it has me worried where this trend is leading. Stay tuned for Narcissism – Part II.

Until next time, observe those around you and what they are doing on their phones and how they seem like self-absorbed robots addicted to their gadgets and clambering to send selfies and information of where they are and what they’re doing to their ‘followers’. It’s a growing trend. Can some good come of all this? Let’s explore this more.

I’m writing this on a plane from Salt Lake City to Denver. Vancouver was rainy and wet and here (below) it’s dry and hot. And what a week it’s been for Canadians. Our 23rd Prime Minister was sworn in, along with his cabinet. Justin Trudeau is the first Canadian Prime Minister to have had a father who was a also a Prime Minister. (The USA has had it’s Bush duo too.) What makes it intriguing is that no one expected him to win. He entered the 78 day campaign in third position. How and why did he win? That’s the exciting part. He defied all the political dogma, pundits and campaign rules of engagement. He ran a campaign on being positive, offered hope (instead of doom, gloom and fear), and for real change. What will that look like? It’s anyone’s guess. But he’s already shaking the traditions of the office. When facing the press he was asked quite abruptly why he had as many women as men in his cabinet. His response… “It’s 2015!”

Today I wanted to touch on the subject of being ‘grounded’. This concept usually occurs with teenagers, or pre-teens. A long time ago it was a ‘grown up’ term employed by parent’s to combat rebellion and straying from conformity. It was a method of punishment to curb bad or unacceptable behavior. The most common reason used to be, and still is, for kids not coming home when they were supposed to. You know when Mom and Dad are waiting up for their child to return from a movie, game, a date or even doing homework at some else’s house, etc. But it now seems to be used for many infractions, personal, household, school or any form of behavior unbecoming.

Two examples:
One for a young girl of 15 who was caught texting in class. And it wasn’t just texting, it was sexting! Yes. She was forwarding nude photos of herself and body parts to a boy. Welcome to the new parenthood and techno traps of the new generation. Not only did she dumbly send a few photos of her body parts to him but he was relaying it to all his buddies, who relayed it to their buddies who… well you get the picture. (Excuse the pun). Such a naïve mistake. What was she thinking? Personal porn to an immature boy. Not a good idea. So how did her parents deal with that one? Grounded!

Another one was a boy, recently turned a teenager and suddenly attending high school. That’s a place where it’s a little less regulated and where the hormones are raging. Excitement and the new world of puberty and an attitude change. There’s a transition from being cared for to caring for one’s self and taking on too much thinking that they know it all. That’s when the immaturity flag is flapping. Too much too soon!

So the kid doesn’t like his math teacher. Not out of the realm of reality. I hated mine. So what’s the answer? He skipped class six times in a row! Wow, like that’s going to solve the problem. Like the teacher isn’t going to catch on that he’s missing missing a pupil. Can a kid be any more immature? What’s the solution? Grounded!

What did these parents consider? Punishment can take many forms. A long, long time ago in a far away world, I got canned for nonsense like that. Yes, corporal punishment. It actually works but god forbid we put a finger on our children. Oh, how the pendulum has swung. So parents have to get creative. Like take away their cell phones. I never had one as a kid. But I can see how devastating that would be. Most kids appear addicted to them. They’d be lost without them. No TV. Ouch! No internet. Ouch again! No computer except for homework. No digital stuff. What would a kid do without their proverbial lifelines?

How about pulling him from his basketball? Something he worked his butt off to improve so as to make the team? That might be too harsh because then resentment might be the backfire consequence for the parent. So in that mix, the biggie is being grounded! No connecting with friends outside of school. Come home after classes. No social life. No communicating. No vegging out with TV.

Does this work? Time will tell but it does send a message and I know when one has that much time on their hands, because there’s nothing else to do, you bet someone’s thinking about how dumb they were for doing what they did. There’s no escaping the process of reflection and analyzing “What just happened?” “How dumb was I?” These days with all the gadgets and distractions and peer pressures to be ‘cool’ and ‘in’ and rebellious, kids do seriously dumb things without thinking it through. They just react. Isn’t that how it is with behavior these days.

Sexting. How is that going to affect this girl going forward? Embarrassed? Duh, you bet. Like did she really think sending nudies of herself was going to have a guy thinking he was going to love her. She was putting out digitally to an immature teenager who thought it was cool to show off to his friends what a dumb girl would do for his affection. Now those photos will always be out there to return just when you don’t want them to. In the old days, you could round up copies of photographs and the negative but with digital… it’s the gift that can keep on giving. Instantaneous can be a double edged sword. Explain that one to a potential employer when the images show up in an online recruiting check. In my world, the grounding was the answer as was taking away the phone. Driving privileges gone too for the girl! Stuck at home with mom and dad and no one else to have a meaningless connection with. Now that’s punishment.

Skipping class. So when life is difficult and the job seems tough, or the teacher isn’t liked. Hey, just walk away. Don’t show up. Avoid the situation. Why deal with real life when you can pretend it didn’t happen. The immaturity rears its ugly head. Growing up is tough but if that’s the answer, there’s more to this kid’s problem. Its like when parents let their kids get away with not eating their dinner or not confronting them when they do something wrong. The message is they don’t have to deal with the problem.

It’s a tough time for any parent to be starting the bad guy role but better late than never. Maybe the boy’s behavior might have been different if he’d groomed for responsibility sooner. Bad behavior has consequences. No getting away with not showing up. No co-dependent habits.

Discipline is not always punishment. It’s about creating good habits, good behaviors, and responsibility. It’s about shaping a future. Growing into maturity isn’t something that happens at a magic age. It’s about learning to be responsible with consequences for being irresponsible. It’s a tough one for many a parent. I have been guilty of this many times. As parents we don’t want to alienate our kids with being too harsh. With single parents, we fear our kids may turn to the other parent and prefer them over us. We are competing with our exes for attention, affection and love and acceptance, when what we should be doing is loving them with proper guidance and consequences for dumb behavior.

Grounding? Hell yes! And take away those damn cell phones. Half the stuff on the internet is nonsense anyway. Kids seem to be so reactive to stuff without any filters to think things through. Life without internet for awhile is a good thing. If the teen still has a cell phone or connectivity to the internet, it really isn’t a grounding at all. If you can still be connected, there’s no need to be reflective. Make a dumb choice and suffer the consequences. Its not complicated but don’t allow the tail to be wagging the dog!

Last thought on grounding. Think of it as an opportunity to have your child at home with you. Connect with them. Talk with them. Interact with them. Communicate with them. Have fun together. Find out what their aspirations are. What’s going on in their whole new world? Be with them, not talking at them or texting them. Be expressive and interactive. Gosh, how often does this happen with teenage kids? They’re so busy texting and emailing and Facebooking and liking and posting about themselves that they have no clue to what a real relationship really is or what’s meaningful anymore. The art of communication is no longer a face to face. It’s a posting or liking. How sad. More on this next time.

Congratulations to all the Kiwis out there on your New Zealand All Blacks and their historic win over the Wallabies in the Rugby World Cup final. Deserving winners and not only two world cups in a row but three overall! That’s more world cups than any other country. They were also undefeated in this whole tournament. Well done!

Shout outs to England for hosting such a great tournament. Despite not making it out of the pool play, they put on great show. The venues were packed, the people were fantastic and the weather really held up, culminating in a memorable event. The next world cup is in 2019. It’s being hosted by Japan.

Okay, so last blog # 4 was part one of an article from London’s – The Times entitled “Offline for a week, How would our family survive a tech break?” We got a personal glimpse into the ups and downs of this digital disruption that was self-imposed by the Rees family. Mom Josie, 46 and their 11 year old daughter – Roxie gave their insightful perspectives. Now its time for Dad – Emlyn, 44 and their 15 year old daughter – Talullah, to share their observations.

So for Dad, he’d recently started feeling guilty about his relationship with many of his gadgets. “I’d check the sports results when I could be outside kicking a ball around with the kids. Somewhere along the line, I’d become addicted and had turned into a continual user…” He definitely didn’t like the idea of coming off line. “How could I survive without checking Facebook and Twitter at least once every ten minutes?”

“It was truly horrible to begin with. It reminded me of quitting smoking. I got the twitches, reaching for the phone in my pocket that was no longer there. I suffered that same ‘vacant’ feeling induced by nicotine withdrawal.” Those feelings and “… lack of Google maps and online booking, and I found myself running late for meetings, missing trains, and having panic attacks in the car.” He also wanted his “streamed TV box sets and movies back again.”

Eventually Emlyn adapted and his “withdrawal twitches stopped after a couple of days.” And he settled in with using his time for other things. “I talked to my family a lot more. There were better bedtime stories, chattier meals and longer walks. There suddenly seemed to be a lot more time. Time to play silly games and have fun.”

What did Dad learn from this experience? “I now saw the ridiculous amount of Facebook and Twitter messages and notifications as information I didn’t necessarily need to react to at all.” Emlyn was relieved to be back on the internet as he found it “very hard to resist the lure of instant communication… but what I have learnt is that I need to be more balanced in how I use it. I don’t need it all the time.” He realized that the time he really didn’t need it was “… the end of the working day and at weekends with family and friends – can be the most precious time of all.” How profound for a Dad to come to that realization!

Talullah, 15, had a different perspective. “I was annoyed about this experiment at first… I don’t think the older generation understands how attached we are to our phones. They are our main way of communicating with our friends and feeling part of the group. In the average day I probably use my iPhone for an hour and a half.” She also uses it for Snapchat and Instagram and for looking things up.”

Talullah claims “It’s the first thing I look at when I wake up, checking my messages and instantly starting conversations with people on social media even before I get out of bed.” So she wasn’t too happy about this experiment but “One of the first things I noticed was how much better I slept…. I usually sleep with my phone next to me, and sometimes I fall asleep with it in my hand, which I know is really bad.”

Talullah confessed she’d once talked on her phone until 5am and had to get up at 7am. “The conversations go round in your head afterwards, and you’re always listening out for more messages, then wondering whether to reply. You feel a pressure to be available all the time. When I didn’t have my phone, my sleep felt so much calmer.”

“The other big positive was how much more time I had, especially for homework… I would say I did my homework twice as fast without the distraction… I also read a novel, which I haven’t done for so long, and it surprised me how much I enjoyed it… I spent more time with my sisters – dancing, drawing, messing about… one night I helped Mum make soup. It was great to catch up with her, which I know is not considered cool at my age.”

What Talullah also learned was that “… there’s so much more time in a day when you aren’t consumed by it. I’ve realized I shouldn’t have it with me every single second, and I should definitely put it away during homework.”

So what were the common elements of the upsides that, if employed, will improve this family’s communication skills and overall quality of life? Deeper and longer sleep. More time for other things. More time for and with each other, even the dog. More meaningful conversations one on one with family and friends. Ability to focus more on homework or work. Feeling less distracted or impulsive. Less pressure to be available. Better bed time stories. Chattier meals and longer walks. Suddenly, way more time. Better listener. Fully engaged with each other. Realizing how big their Facebook addiction was. Feeling ‘unmonitored’, free, as if on holiday. Being really ‘present’ and ‘connected’.

My favorite was from Dad. He claimed there was much more time to play silly games and just have fun. Also, that the time at the end of the working day and at weekends with family and friends, “… can be the most precious time of all.” Isn’t that what family time is all about? Why have a family, then chose to ignore them because of the obligation to be engaged with an electronic gadget or people somewhere else? Family time should be just that. Time to establish boundaries and rules of engagement.

I have many views on this subject and fault a lot of parents for not monitoring the time spent on these gadgets by their children. We have a whole new generation who is learning to ‘tune out’ people in their presence. Children are failing at connecting with people in person, eye to eye. I can’t imagine how this is going to affect their relationships down the road. The art of communicating in person is getting lost. And parents aren’t doing anything about it. Is this poor parenting or passive acceptance?

Remember all things are better in balance. The phone is a tool that you should control, not have it control you. How much is too much? When I see couples at a candle light dinner both on their cell phones ignoring each other, I honestly feel sorry for them and their relationship. Are they so boring to each other that they have to engage with someone else or a hand held gadget? Divorces are going to be more prevalent down the road if these tech trends and attitudes continue. More on this subject another time.

Meanwhile, for quality family time, schedule mini tech breaks with your family and enjoy each other’s company.

Wow! I’m back from England and the Rugby World Cup. Amazing trip! Not only did I get to hang out with some of my high school classmates for a few weeks but we were entertained by champagne rugby in some of the largest stadiums in the world including Millennium Stadium in Cardiff; and Wembley, Twickenham and Olympic stadiums in London. Attendance in these ranged from as low as 52,000 to 89,000 – to see a rugby game! We also caught games in Leeds, Brighton, Milton Keynes, Leicester, New Castle and Exeter. I was exhausted by my 12th and final game. With all the travelling and crowds and human herding, I was done with all the excitement.

We were also sight-seeing tourists driving through tiny villages, towns and counties, with special trips to Stonehenge, Salisbury Cathedral, which has the highest spire in all of England at 400 plus feet, Bournemouth and a small part of the coast, (we could see the white sand cliffs of the Isle of Wight), while also stopping into country pubs along the way. Later we participated in the active nightlife of Leeds and Newcastle, viewed ancient Roman head quarters and the famous Hadrian’s Wall, not to mention nearby castles.

So within five days of returning to Vancouver, Canada has elected a new party and Prime Minister… enter Justin Trudeau. Canada has much to be excited about. We have a young forward thinking, positive and ambitious PM. He wants to change how government does business. Idealism can die quickly but he’s got four years to deliver on a lot of promises. He not only wants to de-criminalize pot, he wants to legalize it! He’s an environmentalist and wants Canada to be a leader on the world stage. He wants to improve infrastructure and transit in our cities. He wants to restore our peacekeeping role in the world. The agenda is long. He’ll certainly have the energy because he’s young. He’s Canada’s answer to JFK and a northern Camelot. Anyway, it’s all very exciting, with a powerful hope for an all new Canadian future.

Meanwhile, back in England, I was reading London’s – The Times and an article entitled “Offline for a Week – How Would Our Family Survive a Tech Break?” It was fascinating. I’ve always believed families should have rules around tech use. To me too much use is invasive, time consuming, anti-social, causes sleep deprivation, and is very addictive. This article seemed to prove me right on all accounts.

Basically, the article was about a family who did a self-imposed tech break with their digital arsenal including cell phones and computers, but specifically the internet. Phones were put away for a full week and then mental havoc seemed to prevail. The experiment was with a mom and dad and two of their three daughters. Speaking of addiction, it turns out that “the average person checks it (cell phone), an astonishing 221 times a day” and often “before we’re even out of bed and continuing well past bedtime.”

I’m going to give you some of my perceived highlights along with my comments. This will, however, be a multi-part blog because of the scope and magnitude of our increasing dependency and addiction to digital gadgetry. There’s a lot of people in denial about their digital addiction. In this blog I’ll cover the Mom’s story along with her youngest daughter.

The Mom is Josie Lloyd, 46. When she sits down to use her computer, she’s tempted to check the internet. Three alerts on Skype and she’s already asking herself… “Who wants me? I’m desperate to know. I’m beginning to realize how big my Facebook addiction is.” She eventually realizes that “I’m noticeably more focused on work. By Wednesday, my twitchiness has gone and a sense of peace has descended. I feel unmonitored. Free. Like I’m on holiday.”

Josie observes that after dinner on Thursday that she’s hanging out in the kitchen with the kids and “It feels lovely (and unusual) to be chatting with nothing else to do. I realize how often I am not really ‘present’ with the children, even though we are in the same room… they only ever get one part of me. But now we are really connecting, loafing round the kitchen like you do when you’ve just arrived on holiday in Spain and there’s no wi-fi.”

Because of the missing cell phone, her daughter has to walk home one day, which normally wouldn’t happen. Mom would have picked her up or if not, she’d be texting her every few minutes to see that’s she’s alright. “It makes me think how much phones allow us to mollycoddle children, as we’re able to remotely parent them rather than let them make their own decisions. Phones also make people more flaky; they can cancel plans at the last minute with no fall-out.”

When Josie gets to her phone on Monday, she has several hundred emails “but I barely missed a thing.” And then she’s back to her old ways, “which makes me sad: texting people while I’m cooking and half-listening to the children.” So what were Josie’s take away lessons?

“I now realize I need much firmer boundaries, particularly in front of them (the children): no emails or Facebook at the weekends, no working with my phone on the desk, and no more giving half-attention to everything. I need to be fully engaged with whatever I’m doing – whether that’s work or the family.” A great lesson that we can all learn from.

Now from Roxie, 11, what she experienced… She’d only had her new cell phone for just over a month and now it was gone. She confessed to spending 45 minutes a day on it texting friends and playing games.

What did Roxie learn with its absence? “During the week I did a lot more reading than I would normally do and I noticed we took our border collie Ziggy for lots more walks – all the family together rather than just Mum or Dad. I found I talked a lot more to my parents and spent more time with my sisters, choreographing dance routines and doing sketches… It seemed more peaceful without the phone… I also found it easier to get up in the morning because I’d had a better night’s sleep.”

I’m going to leave it there until my next blog but I’m hoping we can all see how invasive technology has been to our family concept and particularly this family, because both the mother and daughter admit they got to talk more freely with full attention and they interacted more with each other. Isn’t that what’s needed in a good relationship, in a caring family environment? How about engagement rather than ‘half listening’ to each other? How about attention and focus over multi-tasking and distraction listening? Food for thought.

Next week – it’s Dad’s story and that of his oldest daughter’s – Talullah, 15.
Stay tuned!

“If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily.” –Gerald Good

I’m still in England. I saw my last live game last night in Cardiff, Wales. My gawd the Irish were in full form both on the field and off. The throngs of Irish singers and sea of green must of overwhelmed the French because the Irish scored two tries in the second half to win their Rugby World Cup pool. They now enter the quarter finals and face Argentina, while the French get a rubber match with last World Cup winners – New Zealand All Blacks.

So now I’m in Exeter, England, exhausted from a month of travel and three weeks of amazing rugby. Who says being a spectator is easy? Travelling to cities, fighting queues to get on trains, herding like cattle to get to the stadiums, then through the turnstiles, to find my seat, to go to the toilet, to buy food or a drink, then the charge to leave and do it all again in reverse. It’s tiring. But now I’m done! I’m waiting to return to Vancouver in two days. It was worth it all because I lived the spirit of the motto of the Rugby World Cup… The World in Union. I bonded with my friends and people from all over the world. Awesome stuff!

Timing for this didn’t work well. I’m missing my Canadian Thanksgiving back home, which is today. When the kids were younger we would quite often celebrate a family reunion with the four of us joining their two grandparents and possibly their cousins at my parents house. Canadian Thanksgiving is always remembered with maple trees (and other deciduous trees) turning yellow, orange and red. Of crispy nights and dewy laiden and sometimes foggy mornings. Of a pending winter and a toasty living room with a crackling fire. The turkey was being roasted with all the fixings; mashed potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, brussels sprouts, gravy, carrots and onions. And yes, always a surprise dessert, maybe pumpkin pie!

Nostalgia is so much stronger as I grow older, because we can’t go back. My parents are gone and my kids are grown up and live elsewhere. My best hope is when my kids have kids and they gather with them at my house and we become the grandparents and the hosts. I’m trapped in that transition zone of young children and I’m on the other side of the world. But I’m so grateful for all that has happened. Nothing remains the same but a spirit of gratefulness lives on.

In the last two weeks, while on this supporter rugby tour, two of my friends had to return to Vancouver. They are both great friends but also brothers-in-law. A tragedy had occurred and one lost his sister and his youngest nephew, while the other his wife of over thirty years and his youngest son. I can’t imagine the heartbreak and sense of loss. Losing a loving partner, sibling or a child is beyond comprehension.

For me it is a reminder that life is so precious, fragile and not to be taken for granted. I give thanks that I’m blessed with my soul mate and two wonderful boys who are now technically men. I crave their presence but am glad they are alive, healthy and enjoying life, even if I can’t be with them today. Everything else is a bonus.

When I hear people say that they don’t understand the meaning of Thanksgiving, they surely don’t realize how lucky they are. They are missing the spirit… just like Christmas, there is a spirit to it all. Those that are miserable and full of complaints are missing out on life. It’s not about what you don’t have, it’s about being grateful for what you do have. No matter how bad life can get, believe me, it could always be worse. Look around and see those less blessed and give thanks for what you have. If you have reasonable health, you are blessed. If you have family, you are blessed. If you have shelter and the other basics of life, you are blessed. There are millions of people throughout the world who are starving, are homeless without shelter, and who are dying from lack of health care. Yes, there are refugees too. Smell the roses. Count the blessings. Enjoy your loved ones. Rejoice for what you have. It’s simply that simple!

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving, even to our American cousins south of the border, (and I’ll celebrate yours in November), and to all of you in other countries, take stock and feel blessed for getting to live another day. Life is not a right, it’s a gift!

Wow! What a difference a day can make. I’ve been chronically late with this second blog posting. My only excuse… I broke my little finger! Not a big deal. Wrong! Big deal. I had to have surgery which went very well. No need for incision, stitches, plates or screws, only two long pins. However, I was bandaged up so I couldn’t use my right hand. Yes, I’m right handed. I’ve since learned to be ambidextrous with many things. But typing was slow and frustrating. After the bandage came off, the splint was cumbersome too. That lasted right up until my trip to San Miguel, Mexico and onward from there to England where I am now for Rugby World Cup 2015. I’ve personally watched 3 games live with 8 more to go. It’s truly been champagne rugby.

After witnessing Canada getting thumped by the Irish, in Cardiff, at Millennium Stadium, the high light thus far was being in the Prince of Wales pub and watching Japan beat the South African Springboks on the last play of the game. It was the first upset of the tournament. Its also been deemed as the greatest world cup upset of all time. But it was the fashion in which it was done that champions the true spirit of any sport.

In overtime (when the final whistle could have been blown at any break of the play), Japan was awarded a penalty kick practically under the posts. Kick it and the game was tied and likely over. This would have been a guaranteed upset and victory in itself. But no, Japan came to win and winning was their destiny. The bookies had made the Springboks winners at a margin of 80 to 1. Japan made a bold decision and ran the ball. After several phases of play, they finally punched through for the winning try and the ensuing convert to win an epic battle. History was made greater by their leap of faith and what can be achieved when believing is shared.

During the last 20 minutes of that game, 95% of the crowd in the pub was cheering Japan on with such enthusiasm, it was as if it was their own country who were defeating Goliath. All supporters of any color or country (except South Africans) had a momentous union of hearts that I will never forget. It was a big moment in sports and deserving triumph of the human spirit. Japan’s belief in themselves transfixed and unified millions of fans watching in awe. Belief can be so powerful.

So I suppose I’ve outworn my writing excuses. The healing has been incredibly slow and painful. I basically have a little finger that won’t seem to bend and it feels vulnerable sticking out there a bit. Check out the photos of my progress attached.

Today’s topic is religion and freedom of choice.

Several weeks back, I attended my wife’s cousin’s son’s bar mitzvah. It was my first. Basically, it seems the bar mitzvah is a religious rights of passage. It’s when a boy takes his vows and is accepted into the Jewish religion. I remember when I did a similar thing as an Anglican. It was called my convocation.

Although both these religious concepts were done by choice, I’m not convinced they were by free choice. And by that I mean, they were done under the influence of a parent or mutual peers. I believe the boy’s bar mitzvah was greatly influenced by his mother. She had been talking about it for almost two years. With him, he only talked about it if someone else brought up the subject. It seemed her enthusiasm overshadowed his.

When I was younger, my parents encouraged me to take my convocation, which is basically an acceptance into the church. I most often wanted to please my parents and sought acceptance, especially into the adult world. That was the lure. Did I really believe in Jesus Christ? I may have been buying into all the lessons and bible stories but was I old enough to really know what I was doing or what I truly believed? My reflection on all of this is a ‘no’. I was going along with what everyone was encouraging me to do. I wanted to believe in what my parents believed. I wanted to follow in their footsteps. I wanted to do what most of my classmates were doing. I wanted to be normal like everyone else. So I think, in hindsight, I just bought into the adult wannabe ness and herd mentality. So I went along with it all.

Was this young man doing his bar mitzvah to please and satisfy the excitement and expectation of his mother’s wishes? What made this so unique was that his mother wasn’t born into Judaism, nor were any of her family members Jewish. She had chosen this religion much later on in life when she was an adult, well into her twenties or thirties, but it was indeed by free choice. Because she converted, she may have been overly excited to have her kids do the same. Did she ever take her kids to a church to check that religion out? Did she offer them the same amount of Christian exposure as she did Judaism? What choices were they given?

Oddly enough, the boy’s father (who lived in the south eastern US) appeared to be a devout Christian. But the boy and his sister only saw him once a year. If they had been exposed to ‘his’ religion as often as ‘her’ religion, would there have been a different choice for this young boy. And I ask that because at 12 years old, did any of us really know what we were doing in life?

I do know that a parent’s influence can be incredibly powerful in the decision making of a child. (I use this premise in a story entitled – The Great Divide which will appear in Book Three of my Weekend Dad series.) And taking that ‘undue influence’ into consideration, is it really a free choice decision?

There is nothing wrong or right in trying to influence our children into making the choices that they do. I only question the power of influence we as parents have over our children and to whose purpose that fulfills. And when does that influence become manipulative or self-serving? I have all too often witnessed adult children finally rebel against their parents wishes well into their late twenties or thirties when they realize they made some critical choices only to satisfy their parents. It could have been religion, choice of occupations or attending post secondary school, choice of husband of wife, and on it goes. Is this a selfish form of parenting? Or is it a hand me down mentality? Is it a form of indoctrination when parents drag or encourage their children into going to Sunday School or a Synagogue? Where’s the line?

I read with interest an English newspaper article about a child who was beaten for not being able to recite the Koran without errors. What would any normal human being call that form of teaching? Learn and believe it or be beaten! Really?! Hardly free choice. And where’s the line drawn for a child to chose without due influence from family, friends or some religious zealot who thinks he has the right to beat someone who isn’t as devout as he is? How far is religion willing to go to promote itself? Kids are taught Jihad is right? Really?!

So do we do a dis-service to our children when we indoctrinate them into believing in the religion of our choice, convincing ourselves that it’s indeed their choice? And why allow this when they are still too young to make an adult commitment. If you believe kids of 12 can make adult choices free of guilt or influence to join the church or synagogue of your choice, then do you also believe in child marriages? Some religious allow that. Really?! Well, there are religions that deem that women don’t matter too. What kind of male mentality are those religions serving?!

The lines blur! Religion it seems is allowed to be the exception to common sense or law. Whose agenda does this mentality serve? Procreation by even teenage girls, it appears, increases the advancement of the religion with new recruits that will be ripe for conversion in 10 or 12 more years. Even politicians couldn’t dream that one up. So much for free choice. How sad.

Your views and comments are most welcome. Bring them on.